Day 5 – I cant. I just can’t today.
My dreams all night last night were about losing our house, our livelihood, our children. One was sick and we were hiding the news. One was defying us and making all kinds of other people sick. Our car fell into a bog. Our house was in the car. Our lives had disintegrated with nothing but our own grit remaining.
IRL: Q woke up in the middle of the night, frantic. Shouting. Terrified that she’d poured a virus onto our couch.
M cried herself to sleep, worried that her friends would forget her and she’d return to school, someday, alone.
Ken and I grapple with the news coming out of every corner, our own potential exposure. We waffle between dark and light, doom, smart preparation, and trying to create some sense of ease.
We high-fived ourselves for taking a walk in the dark last night and surviving our first adventure in the Zombie Apocalypse. It seemed funny, but my head instantly went to infected zombies forcing their way through our front door. I hate zombies. Have always seriously feared them without any reason.
Now . . .
Deep breaths, I see you. May each moment I choose to pause and breath offer space and ease. Thank you for the blessing.
Morning tea, I see you. I feel you comfort and routine. Thank you for the blessing.
The sun. I see you and find myself basking in your loyalty. Thank you for the blessing.
Comfortable home and health of my wee tribe, I see you. I set the wards and make the bread we break. Thank you for the blessing.
My work, that I can do from home. I see you. Let me be of service to all who need it. Thank you for the blessing.
Fear, I see you. I acknowledge you from a place of love for the people around me. That love creates worry for their well-being. That worry creates whatever I allow it to. Let it not be the paralysis with which I contend this morning. Thank you for the blessing.
The need to provide solutions, and the panic of being unable to control things, I see you. I ask myself where I can be of service, and work to place my efforts there. I am one being who can serve best in one way. Thank you for the blessing.
Nightmares, I see you. May you be the way my mind rids itself of its own irrationality. Thank you for the blessing.
I can. I just can, today, hold compassion for myself and others.
Go rise, beauties. Take it easy on yourselves. It’s really scary out there.